Crazy And Deranged
When I was with Luc, he always used to refer to the woman he dated before me as “crazy and deranged”. He would force his son to call her by that name despite the fact that it was clear the child didn’t harbor the same ill will against her. Though Luc claimed that they had broken up a whole year before we had met, he frequently spoke about how terrible the relationship was due to the physical and emotional abuse she put him through. Of course, from what I now know of Luc, it was Luc who was physically and emotionally abusive. Instead of the ex-girlfriend, it was Luc who was “crazy and deranged”.
Every so often, you run into someone who has been in an abusive relationship. When you meet someone who claims this, whether male or female, you should be weary. I say this knowing that someone will meet me in the future wondering about my story too. They should be weary too because many times the abusive person claims that everyone else around them is crazy. Their relationships have failed because they keep running into “crazy and deranged” women, etc. These people always seem to have an excuse as to why there is constant chaos in their lives. Luc would always say, “I must have been a bad person in another life to deserve all this back luck.” Newsflash psychopath: You are a bad person in this life – that is why all these bad things are happening. I digress.
Before meeting Luc, I really didn’t know how to spot a crazy and deranged person. By “crazy and deranged”, I don’t mean what we would typically think as someone who is insane. This person isn’t always as obvious as a grown man walking around talking to his imaginary friend. Sometimes, it takes a while for the person to show their true crazy. That said, there are always clues and when you see those clues you should question them – listen to your internal warning system – and run.
For those of you who are not familiar with the term gaslighting, it is a form of mental abuse where false information is presented with the intent of making the victim doubt his or her own memory, perception and sanity. This may range from denial by the abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim. For people who have been through this form of abuse, it can be terrifying, upsetting, and extremely confusing. When I was going through it, I was dealing with pregnancy hormones at the same time. Luc’s gaslighting episodes would have me questioning my own sanity and wondering why I had perceived certain events as abusive when Luc swore that the events never occurred.
If you have heard a variation on the following, you are probably dealing with someone who is gaslighting:
1) “I wish I had a tape recorder because I would play back that conversation. I never said ____. You are making that up.”
2) “That never happened, you must be imagining that.”
Every single person who came into Luc’s life likely experienced some form of this type of abuse. Before Luc’s mother was found laying dead on a plastic bag (police ruled this a suicide and claimed that she must have suffocated herself), Luc had her believing she had alzheimer’s disease. While I never met the woman, I suspect that she didn’t have alzheimer disease. I suspect that Luc was staging bizarre events to make this poor woman believe she was loosing her memory.
In December 2010, Luc beat his older son. After the abuse, the boy went into school and told his teachers who then reported the abuse to police. The child had physical evidence on his back in the form of Luc’s ring marks. While Luc awaited trial for the domestic assault of his son, CPS believed it was best to put the child back in the home. Luc spent the next three months before trial convincing this child that he had imagined the entire event. At one point, his son asked him, “don’t you remember punching me in the chest?” Luc responded by saying, “that never happened! You must have imagined that!” The boy’s face dropped and he looked both terrified and confused. He then dropped his head and quietly uttered, “maybe I did imagine it.”
A few days after giving birth to Prince, I was hungry and went downstairs to get some food. Luc had left us in a room upstairs, and disappeared for days. I knew I wasn’t supposed to be going up and down the stairs, but I also knew I couldn’t starve myself. As soon as Prince fell asleep, I put him in his crib and went to the kitchen. As I was returning upstairs, I saw Luc glaring at me from the top of the stairs. “What are you doing,” he asked in an angry tone. “I was hungry. I am having trouble with my milk coming in….I have to eat or else Prince won’t get enough milk.” As I stood there explaining, I was tearing up at the fact that I even needed to explain why I was getting food. “You shouldn’t be eating all that food. You need to lose weight,” he said. I immediately broke down crying. I was sore, tired, and hungry. Here I was with a bagel and some greek yogurt, and my son’s father was making it seem like I was eating chocolate cake and bon bons. As I cried, Luc started yelling more. “What is wrong with you,” he yelled. “I am just trying to help you! You are overreacting. It must be your hormones.”
There is no rehab for a psychopath:
People often wonder if abusive people can ever change. I am not in the camp of people who believe that they can change. If someone is exhibiting the above mentioned behavior, chances are that this person is far past the point of rehabilitation. If you stay with a person like this, you will be driven crazy by the constant mental abuse and life chaos.
One of the most dangerous things about these people, perhaps, is their ability to remain calm as they fabricate bizarre scenarios to make those around them look criminal. For example, George Zimmerman has been in the public eye for the last few years. He first entered our radar when he shot a teenage boy in cold blood. Of course, he created a whole story about how this teenage boy (who was only armed with skittles and iced tea) attacked him. Since the teenage boy was dead, Zimmerman’s story was the one that stood up in court. In the past few months, two different women have accused Zimmerman of domestic assault. According to Zimmerman, both of these women are crazy; however, in these two cases Zimmerman is the only common denominator.
The most recent 911 tapes released in the Zimmerman domestic assault charge brought me back to a bad place. Listening to this man who had just pulled a gun on his girlfriend calmly explain to the police that she had been the aggressor made me sick to my stomach. For years, Luc got away with so many violent crimes against women and children. When accused, he created fantastic stories while remaining calm. His victims, however, are never calm because they have had to endure the trauma of the abusive incident.
My greatest regret in life allowed me to experience one of the greatest joys in my life. I biggest regret in life is my relationship with Luc, but everyone who has read my story knows that without that relationship I would not have had the opportunity to meet my angel (Prince). I am forever thankful and grateful for having known that child. That said, if there is any wisdom that I can impart on other women – if you see any of the above behavior from your partner, do not have a child with this person. If you have a child with this person, leave now and prepare yourself for the fight of your life. Sometimes I wonder if Prince would have survived if I had stayed with Luc. About two seconds after I start thinking that, I remember that Luc is now an “alleged” serial killer. Not only would Prince likely have still not survived, but I likely wouldn’t have either.
Bravo Hera! More of this! Psychopathy is the problem and educating everyone about the danger, damage and ‘chaos’ they inflict is the only solution. Government officials (lawyers, Judges, Court appointed evaluators, legislators) are woefully unaware of how to deal with psychopathy. Prince would be alive if the individuals responsible for protecting the public acted responsibly when psychopathy was at issue. It is all our fault that emotional abuse and the patterns of the victim and the abuser are not better known. As victims we are shamed into being silent and the abuse continues.
Psychopathy is only identifiable by a pattern of lifelong behavior. Abuse and abusers display well understood neurological responses emotionally. Their brains are work very differently. The flight or fight response in abusers and victims are easy to verify. Aggression is either instrumental or reactive. Psychopathy is an emotional dysfunction that results in the psychological abuse of those around them. They are actually pretty easy to spot and rule out. Without knowing more about George Zimmerman, its difficult for me to label him. I’m sure I could within minutes of meeting him though. He may go looking for trouble but I don’t see how he benefits, if he were, in fact, a psychopath.
I agree completely with everything in your post including being weary of people who claim to be in abusive relationships. Understanding how people deal with conflict is the easiest way to screen for psychopathy. If you understand how they abuse, lie, manipulate, control, deny its easier to ask the right questions. Its the way psychopaths deal use power, control, abuse, and money for personal gain, that they separate themselves from the rest of us.
I found it extremely weird that my ex-wife never talks to any of her ex’s. She never said they were crazy or deranged, but she simply had no contact whatsoever. My instincts told me that was a problem, but I didn’t understand how or why. She said that when she was done with the relationship, she was done with that person. Attacking credibility is one way to undermine the people that can expose the truth. The other is to isolate and separate the people know the truth. They make life difficult for those they view as a threat, in order to drive them away. I have yet to find an old boyfriend that can say anything nice about my ex and they are afraid of talking about it.
Gaslighting and emotional invalidation are debilitating. This is how they make the victim look crazy. It is the complete denial of their own behavior that created the reaction, that they will depict as your mental unstability.
This blog entry does an amazing job of articulating the experience of living with psychopathy. I encourage everyone to read it. Her entry is the poster child for emotional abuse and those that abuse.
Ms. Cappy, I couldn’t read this post through. It hammered me too close to home. I will gather my wits and return later. I lived this for way to many years, and with different partners. The first time I was exposed to a situation like this was as a young child when a neighbor man whom the entire community thought highly of turned out to be a Luc. He kept his wife suck at home, made neighbors think she was slightly off her rocker, that she never wanted to go any place and everyone bought it. until the oldest children, two teenaged boys came pounding on our door at 530 in the morning saying Mom attacked Dad. Yeah she did. while he slept. With a butcher knife. She hacked him up good. He survived, she was evaluated at a state mental hospital and released. He was taken into custody and locked up in that same mental facility. It is a wonder I at some point didn’t follow Marie Bone’s actions. A woman can only take so much. Marie is long dead now, but I will never forget her. She escaped that bastard and was able to give her children a decent life,
MaryCannon, I am sorry it was so hard to read the post. I worried that it might make some folks have a PTSD moment. It is hard when you realize what you have lived through was so abusive. When it’s happening, you just think that maybe you are the crazy one. Thinking back to my time with Luc, although short in the grand scheme of life, is really painful. The worst part is realizing that I had the choice to leave long before I did…but instead I endured the abusive as if it were something normal or something that I deserved. Never again!
What happened to Luc’s other son? I hope he hasn’t been put into the foster care system. 🙁
His older son is with his maternal grandmother. Technically, he IS in the foster care system, but he is with family so he is in the best place possible.
Well said Ms.Cappuccinoqueen!! Yes his older son is with his grandmother now because Luc Murdered his mother thinking he would get his son’s insurance money!! I hope he rot in prison for the rest of his insane life…and they need to make him pay back his own mother’s insurance funds that he collected from Murdering her in cold blood!!
I am starting a blog to document my case as you have.
Take look. Today I made my first post.
That made me cry my eyes out – partly because I know your story so well now – and partly because I am just so familiar with the crazed madness you refer to. I wish this stuff was brought out into the open so people could be made more aware of the psychopaths operating within relationships, families, the work place and Government Office
You don’t know me, and I’ve only commented on your blog once before, but I found myself thinking of you this Thanksgiving. I am so sorry that your little boy couldn’t be with you, and I hope justice will be served. Take care. There are many, many of us who are following your case.
Thanks Laura. He was with my family in spirit. I, too, wish he could have been with us and still alive…but I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. We all tried so hard to save him, but in a system that supports even psychopath parents…it was not possible.
Gaslighting is manufactured craziness. I’ve been on the receiving end of that insanity. The psychopath I dated for 18 months used to whisper in my ear that my family and friends said bad things about me when he was alone with them. My self-esteem was at an all-time low, and even though I found all this difficult to believe in my heart there was always nagging doubt that what he was saying was real. I was afraid to ask any of them for the truth. The gaslighting also took on physical manifestations. He had a habit of breaking and “losing” his own belongings and blaming it on me. I was so determined to keep the peace that I would run out and buy whatever was lost or broken. I didn’t realize until much, much later that it was all intentional crazymaking.