The Grief Process
I have heard people tell me that when grieving for someone you love, you have to take it one day at a time. Today, I was trying to take it one second or minute at a time. Some people might wonder why I am still writing through all of this tragedy, but to me its simple – I have to tell the story of my little angle. I have to remember him in a way that might help others. I have to keep writing about him, talking about him, and remembering him.
The process of grieving for a dead child is not natural. Today, I went to the church and planned my son’s funeral. It was very possibly the weirdest thing I could imagine. I felt as if I was talking about heaven, yet standing at the gates of hell. As I looked through the hymns and chose readings, my heart felt like it was beating on the wrong side of my chest. I know I seem crazy because I go from appearing to be lucid to completely breaking down.
I’m not sure what to do with myself going forward. I still look around for him everywhere I go. I never realized how closely I watched him until now when he is gone. It seems like so much energy went into keeping him safe that I am having trouble going back to just focusing on myself. I am in so much pain and my mind is completely shutting down on me. I have actually heard people around me have to say things to me several times in order for me to process what they are saying. Time is slowing down and I am watching the world move past me and wondering how I can rejoin society without my heart.
I’m so sorry. I think you’re doing better than most would be doing in your situation. I hope you do keep writing because I’d love to know your little boy and what he was like. All I know about him is that he was so very deeply loved by you!!! I just discovered you (if that’s the right word) on LF. I was so impressed with the way you wrote, the way you used irony to deal with your suffering. I used to think, wow, what a strong person she is. And I hoped against hope that things would get better with those unsupervised visits; that the lousy social worker would do or say something to protect your son. I simply could not believe it when I learned that your little boy was gone, and that it happened during that last unsupervised visit when you were so unsure if you should even send him. We at LF understand…. the choice was impossible. If you had kept him home, you would have been accused of keeping your son from his father. You really had no choice. These wicked courts and judges don’t protect us or our children. The monsters have all the rights and they know it.
But God is the Ultimate Judge and these monsters, and these so called professionals who allow them to continue inflicting so much pain, will be judged one They will find themselves in a Court where they cannot blow smoke, lie, deceive, or pull the wool over the Judge’s eyes, because that Judge will be Almighty God and that Court will be His Judgment Seat. “Vengeance is mine saith the Lord. I will repay.” Romans 12:19
Please keep writing.
What actually happened during that visit? Will Luc be charged?
I simply cannot imagine the grief, the emptiness, the hopelessness, the rage, the guilt (which you don’t deserve but I’m sure you feel anyway), and the profound despair you must be feeling. I hope that you believe in a loving God because I don’t know any other way to cope with the loss. I will be praying for you, and for justice for baby boy.
I’m so sorry about your terrible loss. I understand completely how effectively and easily psychopaths deceive others. The fact that so few people really understand unless they’ve been closely involved with them themselves just makes everything harder to cope with.
Maria, well said. This is extremely difficult. So many people want to blame the victim because it makes them feel safer.