I have thought a lot lately about what I will tell my son when he starts to ask me about his father. Of course, I hope that when that day comes his father is in jail where he belongs. This jail dream is where I will keep my thoughts for the time being. I haven’t yet accepted the reality that justice may never be served when it comes to Luc. (I digress)
I anticipate my slightly grown up baby boy asking me questions like, “Mama, do you regret loving my father? Do you regret falling for his lies?” Even thinking about my son asking these sorts of questions nearly brings me to tears because I dread the day when my son might realize that his conception was built on such a terrible con. How could I be honest with him about what happened without making him feel like a terrible mistake?
I want to be the type of mother my son can look to for love and honestly. I don’t want him to ever feel that I am lying to him. When he is old enough to understand, I believe there are a lot of important lessons to be learned from my relationship with his father (if I can even call it a relationship). Here are some of the lessons I hope to be strong enough to share. This is my future letter to my baby boy:
My sweet “Baby Boy”,
First and foremost, Mama loves you. I always have and always will no matter what. I don’t regret you. Even though it might be hard to believe, I don’t regret falling in love with your father (or really the man I believed he was). I was blind sited by him because I was (and am) the type of person who had the ability to love deeply and completely. If I regretted how I behaved in the relationship with your father (i.e. my love for him), I would regret one of the core things that makes me who I am.
There are times that I wish your father really was the man I fell in love with. I would want nothing more for you to grow up in a complete and loving home with both of your parents. There was a time right after I left your father (and learned who he really was), that I didn’t know if I would ever be able to love that way again. I worried that my ability to love had been a dangerous vulnerability.
I have learned, however, in the past year that my ability to love deeply and completely is fully intact. Baby boy, you taught me that I did not lose myself after my relationship with your father. You have shown me that not only is my ability to love still here, but I am a better mom because of it.
I learned a lot of tough lessons from your father. Importantly, people make choices in their lives that define who they are. You can’t hide from those choices – they will follow you everywhere you go. You have your whole life ahead of you Baby Boy. How you treat others is a very important part of your character. Go forth and love completely and deeply – just do it with your eyes wide open knowing that not everyone is capable of this same love.
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