The sociopath’s rape by deception

I’m angry – period.  I am tired of people telling me that I need to “get over it” because Luc is baby boy’s biological father.  In that vein, I guess rape victims should just “get over it” too?  People who have been physically abused should just “get over it”?  If Luc had jumped out of the bushes and raped me or punched me in the face every single day I had contact with him, would he STILL be allowed to have the same parental rights?  I endured psychological abuse on a daily basis from Luc for over a year.  In addition, the man completely lied and deceived me.

My son was the product of a lie – a con.  I consented to have sex with a man who doesn’t exist and who never existed.  Is this a form of rape?  If I didn’t consent to have sex with THIS man, is this rape?  While I was not dragged behind a bush and raped in the typically accepted sense, I certainly feel raped.  He raped my soul and the court is endorsing him and allowing him to continue to rape me and now my baby boy.

So why do I bring this up?  Well, the courts don’t recognize this form of rape.  The judge in my court case had no words for me other than, “you CHOSE to have a child with this man, so you will have to deal with him for the next 18 years.”  Would the judge tell a woman who has had a child from a rape that she has to “deal with” the rapist because she got raped by him?

According to Wikipedia, there are several types of rape.  The one that applies here is “Rape by deception” which holds the following definition:  Rape by deception occurs when the perpetrator gains the victim’s consent through fraud.

I feel like I have been stabbed outside of a police station.  Instead of arresting Luc for stabbing me, the police have arrested me for bleeding on Luc’s shoes.


  1. Christine on August 30, 2012 at 4:07 pm

    It is rape and I feel the way you do. We consented to have sex with them because we were defrauded by them. It’s not much different than a date rape by someone the victim trusted. Sadly, I think too many people look at us as guilty for having been “so dumb” to believe the rapist.

    • cappuccinoqueen on August 30, 2012 at 11:45 pm

      Yes, I am sick of people blaming me for being fooled by the con man. Nobody likes to believe that it could happen to them. It makes them feel better to look at us and cast judgement. Thanks for your comments. 🙂

      • Christine on August 31, 2012 at 6:26 pm

        Just wanted to add that your blog is great. Thank you for saying everything so clearly and sharing your experience. It will help many people.

    • Vezna on September 8, 2013 at 2:06 am

      A Married man did this to me recently.Lied to me to get sex.It depressed me badly.
      Rape by deception is a crime in which the perpetrator has the victim’s sexual consent and compliance, but gains it through deception or fraudulent statements or actions.
      The act—known in Tennessee and California as rape by fraud[1]—is recognised in few jurisdictions.
      Contents [hide]
      1 Notable cases
      1.1 United States
      1.2 Israel
      2 References
      Notable cases[edit source | editbeta]

      United States[edit source | editbeta]
      In 2008, it was reported that a Massachusetts woman unknowingly had sex with her boyfriend’s brother in the dark basement that she was sleeping in. He could not be prosecuted, because Massachusetts law then required that rape include the use of force.[1][2]
      Israel[edit source | editbeta]
      In 2010, a conviction of rape by deception drew international attention when it was first reported that a man deceived a woman into consensual sex within ten minutes of their first meeting by lying by omission about being Jewish and unmarried. This case was a plea bargain in which the records were sealed by the judge to protect the identity of the victim and avoid the cross-examination of her. The sex was consensual according to one of the judges.[3][4]
      Sabbar Kashur, a Palestinian Muslim, accepted a plea bargain and an 18-month sentence on the reduced charge of rape by deception in 2010 after a period of incarceration and house arrest. After Israel was widely condemned in the international press,[5] due to perceived anti-Arab racism in the conviction, the judge unsealed the records to show that this had in fact been a plea bargain, in a case in which Kashur was originally charged with violent rape of a Jewish woman allegedly left bruised in an apartment building stairway.[4] The court sent the victim to a mental hospital for treatment and convicted Kashur on the lesser charge.[3] Prosecutors agreed to the plea bargain in order to spare the woman a long cross-examination that might undermine her evidence.[4] In 2012 the sentence was cut to 9 months by the Supreme Court.[6]
      References[edit source | editbeta]

      ^ a b “Rape ‘by Deception’ May Become A Crime In Massachusetts”. CBS News. 2008-02-29. Retrieved 24 April 2011.
      ^ If Your Neighbor Poses as Your Husband, Is it Rape?
      ^ a b “Arab rape-by-deception charge ‘was result of plea bargain'” Rachel Shabi, September 8, 2010, The Guardian.
      ^ a b c “Unravelling the Israeli Arab ‘rape by deception’ case” Dina Newman, September 17, 2010, BBC.
      ^ Arab guilty of rape after consensual sex with Jew July 21, 2010, The Guardian.
      ^ Paraszczuk, Joanna (January 27, 2012). “Court cuts Arab-Israeli rape-by-deception sentence”. The Jerusalem Post. Retrieved August 23, 2012.

      Flag of United StatesJustice icon This article relating to law in the United States, or its constituent jurisdictions is a stub. You can help Wikipedia by expanding it.
      Stub icon This article about a criminal law topic is a stub. You can help Wikipedia by expanding it.
      Categories: Rape in the United StatesRape in IsraelDeceptionSex laws

  2. Anne P. on September 3, 2012 at 2:54 pm

    After reading your blog, (coming from Lovefraud), wanted to say thank you for your insight! I agree with Christine, “It is rape and I feel the way you do. We consented to have sex with them because we were defrauded by them. It’s not much different than a date rape by someone the victim trusted. Sadly, I think too many people look at us as guilty for having been “so dumb” to believe the rapist.” I AGREE! Was floored when I read: The Spath’s rape by deception! Your blog here, CONFIRMED to me, all the ugly emotions, and all the pain that I have been experiencing in these last several months! Thank you soooo very much! Here is my story at Lovefraud;

    • cappuccinoqueen on September 3, 2012 at 10:01 pm

      Thanks for commenting. I read your story before you posted it here. Like others, your story sent shivers down my spine. After hearing so many people tell me about the horrors in the church, I fully believe these people hide in the church because good christian people make great targets for them. I hope that you find the strength to get out of this terrible situation. No matter what – life is better on the other side when you’re out of the clutches of a madman. Stay safe! You have my support. 🙂

  3. Anne P. on September 3, 2012 at 2:55 pm

    Thanks again, cappuccinoqueen….:)

  4. burning deepseated rage on September 14, 2012 at 5:45 am

    Yes i can totally relate. I was married to a sociopath rapist liar. My whole marriage was a fraud.i had 3 kids.i went to a private school and didnt even know people like him existed in the world. I was always very happy and generous. As time went on and there was problem after problem i got counseling. I wanred a divorce he said hed make me miserable turn my kids against me and get people to gang up to make me out to be an unfit mother
    I worked went to school and what i really loved the most in the world was my kids and having our family.but he wanted me to pay him child support! So i told him i didnt love him and i wasnt happy being married to him at all. I said im going to move on and probly look for another man to share life with. Well he raped me saying he was drunk and he didnt mean it and he was sorry. Then when i was at work he went through all our belongings. He took anything of value out oc the house without me knowing. He even took things that were mine from childhood. And things that belonged to our kids. He took all the photos of them growing up and all the memories so i wouldnt have any. Then one day he took the kids to school and came back and raped me again. When he got done terrorizing me he got up and went in the kitchen and made something to eat like nothing was wrong. Thats when i knew for surehe had no regard for me my life or my body or anything. I knew i couldnt stay with him at all any more. That he was dangerous and i was really scared.i was in fear for my life. So i got really brave and i called the cops . I told them everything about him stalking me and terrorizing me and trying to make my life miserable and turn my kids against me and our friends too. Telling his family that i was crazy anx telling my kids not to trust me. So he had to go to prison for 5 years. And im not sorry i told the truth because the truth set me free

    • cappuccinoqueen on September 15, 2012 at 12:11 am

      Yes, the private school thing…me too. These type of people love sheltered, naive, and kind people like us. I think we must have signs on our foreheads or something. I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I am, however, happy that your ex went to jail. That’s one less psychopath on the street. I also hope that by the time he gets out you can be long gone. Five years isn’t a long time.

    • Scott on January 15, 2018 at 11:08 pm

      Rape destroys lives from generation to generation. Sady these rapist don’t care alcoholism, drugs, suicide are the result. My wife was raped 20 years ago before my relationship with her and she is a broken mess, It breaks my heart.
      Her rapist has convinced the kids their mom is emotionally and mentally unstable, TRUE, She was raped

  5. maddamma on November 24, 2012 at 12:49 pm

    People who think they can see a psychopath coming and cannot be conned are naive. It is always easier to see them for who they are when you are not the target or in the aftermath when you are viewing the destruction. The lesson to be learned is that there are people amongst us who are disordered,but don’t appear so. (i.e. Bundy) And ANYONE can be there victim.

  6. Ginger on May 31, 2013 at 7:02 pm

    Thank you.
    This is an amazingly accurate description of how I felt when I found what my ex was. I know people thought I was crazy because I kept saying, over and over, “I feel like I’ve been raped. I would have never consented to have sex with THIS person.” The person with whom I agreed to have sex never existed.

  7. Christine on June 3, 2013 at 2:55 pm

    Ginger, I relate so much to what you say. I used to tell him (the monster) and anyone who would listen that I would never have even gone on a date with him had I known who he really was. I don’t think anyone can really understand how “raped” you feel when you find out the person you trusted with your life, your body, your emotions, your heart, was a FRAUD, and you gave yourself so freely because you did not know.

  8. Christa on January 2, 2014 at 6:56 pm

    I am so glad to find someone who had the same emotional feelings I had after I was deceived. I was with a man for three years in which he lied to me about being divorced. Not only did he steal something from me by being intimate with him, he took money from me too. Yes I consented to both, but I consented to a different man. This man never had any intention of becoming my “life partner”, as he called it. How could he, he was a married man!
    When I tried to figure all this out by trying to contact him, I was slapped with a peace order. I tried to fight it in court, explaining what he did, and being that he lived 2 hours away, impossible for me to have harassed him. Judge told me that he believed I was harassing him because I was a jilted woman and recommended I go to therapy. This is the type of judicial system we have. All I can get my attorneys to say is, ” move on, let him go he is a jerk” ! Thanks but I didn’t need them to tell me that. . He violated me, and made me feel dirty and cheap. Based on his lies, he took my right to say no,, I was not forced by him, but no different when he lied about who he was. . Call it what you want, but it truly is “rape by deception”. I hope this law gets passed in every state. Once it does, I will be first one in line to file charges against him.

  9. Lisa on March 12, 2016 at 1:28 pm

    I am so glad you wrote this article because for years I have been telling people that my daughters father raped me and got me pregnant on purpose. Yes, I can admit that when we met I was young and dumb. I didn’t know that I was his target because I was nice and predators target the nice ones. I didn’t have much of a family so I was looking for love in all the wrong places. But, when I noticed that he wasn’t the guy I he tricked me into thinking he was I wanted out. Little did I know that when you give sociopathic rapist control and you want it back that do their best to MAKE you stay one way or another. Because I started out ignoring him his friends would laugh and tease him about it. The ghetto girls in the neighborhood loved him so he thought he was the king but I got smart and I wanted no parts of him. He had always been weak in the sex department because he only thought about himself. That’s a CONTROL tactic that sociopathic rapist use. They think once you give it up then they got you but the few times we did it before I found out he was an A-hole he couldn’t last a minute. He was literally a 2 second brother. I knew his big secret so when he would try to make me look stupid because I didn’t want to be with him in front of people I would call him out. Boy did it make him angry so he used to jump out of bushes, come around corners and pop up at clubs and start beating me in front of people as if I was his property. Newsflash, we were dating but we were NEVER together. After several police calls and me threatening to send him to jail he backed off. Months went by and I felt so free. I still lived in the ghetto but I felt free because he was finally leaving me alone. Little did I know he was just plotting……
    Later I found out that his friends were teasing him the entire time ” aw, man she’s moving on.”, she cant stand you no more”, she’s gonna find somebody better” all the typical things that guys tease other guys about when a girl doesn’t like a guy in their group anymore. His ego was bursting and he HATES rejection. He must be in control and liked by others at all times. That was his obsession with me because I wasn’t the ghetto girl chasing him I was the naïve girl who wised up after awhile and was no longer impressed. He hated me but later he claimed to love me. Because I didn’t have family or any REAL friends around me I fell for his trap. He was now in his “honeymoon stage again” he called me, he dropped off rings, he bought so many cards and he was determined to have me believe he was so sorry. This went on for months so being so dumb and naïve without warning from any of my peers or any support from family I fell for his invitation to dinner at his house.
    Long story short…..he invited me over he left me. I was too embarrassed to call anyone to come get me because I didn’t want to hear how could I want to leave him because everybody loved him cause he gave money to everyone. Hence, the over compensation for his sexual short comings. I just stayed because I thought I was gonna put my foot down and make him take me home when he came back and I was never gonna talk to him or fall for his BS again. Little did I know this was part of his plan. he came back clearly tipsy. Yes, he drank and drank a lot so it wasn’t a surprise but I still demanded he take me home. He screamed I wasn’t going nowhere and that he loved me and that I wasn’t leaving him. He beat me and raped me. While he was ejaculating he was literally forcing his penis harder and harder inside me. I was disgusted, devastated, and felt dumber for falling for the trap. When he was forcing his ejaculating penis in me I knew deep down he was trying to get me pregnant on purpose. on the ride home he begged me not to tell and he told me that no one would believe me and that he had never been to jail before so if I ever told he would get someone from Florida to kill me and my son. For months I kept quite because I had seen him do things to other people and I had heard him plot on his other child’s mother so I believed his threats. Months later I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. I BEGGED for abortion money. He had the control because I was BROKE. My family is religious so they would never give me the money no matter what the situation may have been. My fake ghetto friends were happy and I wasn’t. They thought I was crazy to not want to have his baby because “he has money” He was a ghetto drug dealer with no hope for the future. Really? Urban people in urban neighborhoods. Smdh. Either way, I begged for the abortion money several times and he disappeared off the face of the earth. He knew I wanted nothing to do with him and he had the control as long as I was pregnant with his child. I also heard he had another girl pregnant and he gave her the money but some how he couldn’t give it to me. His sister said ” girl he want you to have that baby”! Ignorant bitch. I told her he raped me and she threaten to fight me and told me to get the hell out. Yes, sociopaths have a loyal following so if your the target or the victim no one will believe you in his or her circle. After I had my daughter he popped up from being MIA. I heard they had a party to celebrate as if my pregnancy was planned by the both of us and we were some big happy family. NOT. He was celebrating because his plan worked. Everyone thought we planned the baby and he no longer looked stupid in front of his friends. His diabolical scheme didn’t work because I still hated him, I still didn’t want anything to do with him. He despised me ignoring him and not allowing him to see my daughter so he got drunk more and the stalking began again. He beat me so bad one night in front of my friend she could no longer try to keep me off of me she had to leave me being beaten to go call the police. he kicked me stomped me with his boots stabbed me cut my wrist as I put my arm up to protect my face. He literally was trying to kill me that night. His friend was igging him on because he believed that I cheated on him. I told you he had a loyal following. Me cheating was furthest from the truth but he needed people to believe him and to like him. He hated rejection and me rejecting him went on long enough. After that I wanted to press charges but he threaten to kill me and my son again. He also got his family and friends involved. They threatened me and followed me as well. They told him my every move. I was so scared. I learned that if you cant beat them join them and play nice to survive for my children. I developed “Stockholm syndrome” for sure.
    This went on for years….I took him for child support because even after the baby he created was here he did nothing. My daughter was here because he wanted control over me. He smacked me at the court house and he told them I was lying. The child support and the threat that I wasn’t sacred of him anymore it made him back off a little so being as though the courts gave him visitation he started manipulating my daughter and pitting her against me.
    My life was hell for 18 years I used to argue with him and tell him ” I cant wait until my daughter turns 18 so I wont have to deal with you any more, I will be free of you”!! Literally, I said this in front of my daughter and an hour later he called her and asked her to ask me if I wanted to go to the movies. Really? He is truly obsessed. He raped me and I had my daughter 1994. It was 2013 and he still was stalking me. calling asking was my boyfriend there at 3 am. I told him yes and it was none of his f” business. He said f-me and that he was calling to talk to his daughter. Come on dude this has been going on fro m1993 to 1994 to 2013. When is he ever gonna let go? A mutual friend from the past told me that he still had pictures of me up in his home and he still has other people thinking we are still in some type of relations ship. Hes delusional. After an incident with my daughter and him promising her a car I finally told my daughter the truth about me and her dads situation and why Id rather not be around him. She cried. She understood. She stopped talking to him for awhile and I told her to not do that because he hates rejection. I feared for her. As soon as I told her she said “he’s at my job now”. He couldn’t take her not speaking to him so he’s now stalking her. He finally broke her so now she is now like I was “playing nice to keep him calm”
    Dude its 2016…when will I ever get the hell away from this jerk?
    He lives up the street and he works up the street from us. I am ill now. I had complications from my daughters birth and my life hadn’t been the same since I had her. I am applying for SSI so I clearly have no money to just pack up and leave. I have no family so I am totally dependent on my children’s support until my SSI kicks in.
    I suffer from PTSD and I am depressed everyday. I constantly think about how hes ruined my life and my body because I had his child. I love my daughter but having her literally destroyed my small body. She was so big and it felt like she ripped my insides when she came. I had so many health issues since her birth. My son and my daughter are the best. I love them so much. They are simply delicious. I feel like I m destroying their future because they constantly have to babysit me because I’m sick.
    Iv done a lot of positive things thought the years although my health was failing. I did finally find real love once but because of my daughter interference through the years he decided he couldn’t take it any longer and he left. Well, I guess it wasn’t love after all but I totally understand. For all I know my daughters father probably threatened him because every time he saw him he would always tell me he should kill him. He was jealous. I truly hate my daughters father and God will never forgive me if I wont forgive him for what his done to me. Does anyone have any solution or advice?

    If I win the lottery that would help. :>

    If I got a job that would understand my disability and paid me at least 45000 a year. Id be happy with that at least. By the way….one of my disabilities comes from the beatings to my face and the stomp to my head that I suffer from my daughters father years ago. I am dizzy everyday literally. I had to stop driving the public transit bus. Saying goodbye to my CDL I guess. It want to work. I want a job but the pain and dizziness is way to much. I’m also typing you guys now with a heart monitor on right now.

    Maybe if I pray for a secret Santa then a magical plain ticket would appear in my mailbox so I can change my name and I can relocate so he wont find me. That’s my plan to change my name and relocate and live out the rest of my life happy. I’m afraid that if he ask my daughter where I am he would google me and find out where I moved. that’s why I’m so desperate to change my name and move. But the sad thing is in order for me to separate myself from him is to separate myself from my daughter. He constantly ask her about me and she so scared of him she makes up stuff to appease him. He controls her now and I try to help her but she’s scared now. Its a frigging endless cycle. See the control? He still has the control?

    Maybe suicide? No I have too much fight in me to think about that but there was a time many years ago I did think about it just as a method of escape from him and his foot on my throat.

    God please set me free!!!!!

    • God help you on November 18, 2019 at 3:22 pm

      Get away with your daughter and get her into therapy asap! He should be in jail.

      You have to move away, do everything in your power to get you & those kids out of the hood girl!

  10. 100% on November 18, 2019 at 3:04 pm

    Yes, you are spot on, Many validate you because unfortunately the women who can relate are in the thousands. Maybe more.

    What happened is not your fault but it now up to you to get your power back. Learn more about these people, use this to your advantage, you have a son to protect now.

    Record everything! Don’t let him know you’re recording. I would even go as far as putting a hidden camera on my kid just to make sure he’s safe with someone like that!

    Anyone who’s been involved with a man like this knows that’s not a drastic measure but it’s possible your kid’s well being is in danger. Depending on the type of predator he is, cause that is what they are.

    Predatory men who dupe.