Staring at a reflection of me – pre psychopath encounter

Tonight I am spending the night in a city I haven’t  been to in almost 8 years.  Earlier today, I took a walk on a pier that held a very special memory for me.  I was 23 years old when I stood on this pier the last time.  Tonight, as I stood on the pier looking out over the water, it was as if I was looking at a reflection of who I used to be.  I laughed to myself as I thought about all the things that used to stress me out.  All those things now seem so silly as I think about the challenges I have faced in the past year and the ones I will surely have to face in the future before Luc decides to move on – IF he decides to move on.

I called my father as I walked along the pier and reminded him of the memory.  My dad, who has also been very traumatized by the fact that Luc hit my family like a high speed train, said, “do you ever wonder how if your life had changed just one bit, or that if the event that happened at that lake had turned out different, if you would have even met Luc?  We would never have known how lucky we were had we never had the unfortunate chance of him coming into your life.”

First of all, I want to say that I don’t regret baby boy for one second.  Being that child’s mom is the best thing to ever happen to my life.  That being said, I do think a lot about how there are many events in my life and decisions that led me to Luc.  Had I made one of many different moves, I would never have met him.  So I pondered my dads question as I continued to walk back to my hotel.  And here are two important conclusions I came to (after, of course, taking a moment to mourn my naive youth and inexperience):

1)  I am not only a different person, but I am a better person for having met Luc.  That sounds crazy, I know.  I do a lot of complaining and I am certainly terrified on a regular basis when I think about the reality that my life may come to an end BECAUSE of Luc; however, I am a stronger and wiser person for having survived his terror.  Don’t get me wrong, HE didn’t make me a better person because of his personality or anything actually pleasant about him (because he doesn’t have real pleasant qualities).  I am a better person because this experience of trying to get away from Luc and his terror has forced me to dig deep and survive for my son.

2)  If I had made even one different major decision, I wouldn’t have ever met Luc; however, I could very well have met someone just as terrible.  One of the hardest lessons that I have had to learn in the past year is that I was the perfect target for Luc.  I had no idea what a real psychopath looked like and I was naive, trusting, and wanted to fall in love.   I have learned that people like Luc search for people like me.  They search for good people with good reputations because bad people are not as much fun for them to destroy.  The knowledge I have about people like Luc has armed me to never fall into that trap again.

My life is a lot different than it was eight years ago.  I spent parts of the walk being sad that naive and innocent Cappuccino Queen is probably gone forever.  The silver lining, however, is that who I am today is someone I am proud of (despite some clearly terrible decisions I made along the way).  I was a good target because I was, and will always be, a good person.  I wondered for a moment if I would make the choice to go back to that time if the decision were mine.  Although I don’t have a time machine and can’t make that choice, I don’t think I would even if I could.  I respect those years and the wisdom they have given me.  I am a better person and certainly a better mom after learning some very hard lessons in these past eight years.








  1. skylar on August 1, 2012 at 3:22 am

    Cappuccino Queen,
    I can relate to your story. My ex-spath first lured me when I was 17 with a latte. It was 1983 and espresso was starting to become very popular in our city. I’d never drank coffee before.
    You are right though, that we have something to learn and the psychopath makes sure that we do learn it. If I hadn’t figured it out, I’d be dead by now too. I’m glad to read that you’ll be blogging on LF. I’ll see you there.

    • cappuccinoqueen on August 1, 2012 at 7:08 pm

      Skylar, I am so sorry that you had the unfortunate experience of running into a psychopath. I am glad, however, that you were able to get away from this person. Thanks for your comment.

  2. The Exception on August 1, 2012 at 5:02 pm

    How is it that we could begin to regret the experiences that bring us to where we are today and to the wonder that we find within ourselves and can give to our kids. I wonder if, in order to move forward, we have to be able to look at the situaiton and gather from it the silver lining that comes from open eyes, open heart, and the willingness to learn from the experience? Although my daughter has to deal with the lessons that I continue to work through; she also gains from the more evolved (for lack of a better term) me. Trick is keeping your heart open and able to love and trust after such men come and leave our lives. I think you were a cappuccino princess – it is now that you are becoming the cappuccino queen.

  3. Evandra on August 4, 2012 at 3:13 pm

    this information needs to be passed to other people, and i will definitely do it.

  4. Brígida on August 6, 2012 at 6:18 pm

    thanks for the nice post. i am expecting some different idea from your side. you always represent some new thought in your post.