Domestic Abuse – Stupidity does not unite us
A few days ago I wrote about something I like to call Non-Traditional Domestic Violence. Since I wrote that post, I have received several emails from women who have lived through all kinds of horrifying abuse at the hands of likely sociopathic men. I wanted to share some of the experiences of these strong women with my readers. When I was living through the abuse, I felt very alone. Even though I had friends and family living near me, I didn’t think anyone would understand what I was going through. I was not even sure how I would begin to explain why I spent so much time crying.
One of the things people wonder about me is why I write. Let me clear this up for the record. I do not write out of vengeance. While I know that Luc (and likely his old man housemate too) are reading every single word I write, this blog is not for them. It is also not to try to change the minds of those who don’t believe psychopathy exists. I write for the mothers (and fathers) who will one day be in family court trying to protect their children, for the man or woman who falls in love with someone who doesn’t exist (a con), for the judges who care about saving kids, for the lawyers who will represent a victim of domestic abuse, for the men and women living through abusive relationships, and most of all – for my son. I want people to know what happened. I promised him that I would see to it that his life will is not forgotten and that I will fight for justice.
It’s unfortunate that my son’s story began with his mother’s horribly abusive relationship. Though its not pretty, it’s important to tell this part of the story. For all the women who have had the strength to write down their story – me and my baby send you hugs. Here are a few that I have heard:
1) ” …I found out I was having twins. My pregnancy was lonely. He wouldn’t touch me, he wouldn’t speak to me. He treated me like a test tube only making sure that I had enough nutrition to keep the babies healthy. I developed pre-eclampsia, gestational diabetes, high blood pressure and was put on bed rest. While in the bathroom, I collapsed from a pain in my back. My mother and I tried calling “J” (the sociopath) all night and into the morning. He did not answer. I was in the hospital for five days and my boys were in the NICU for 3 weeks. I was there with them every single day and most nights too. “J” was not there.”
2) ” …he would tell me that he was going to China to buy a woman whom he would bring back home to raise his sons. He said a stranger could do a better job that I could. He called me a “negligent cunt” when he discovered a diaper rash on the baby and he threw dirty diapers at me. He asked me to leave the house so he could have a prostitute come over. He would lock the car seats in his car and sleep on the keys so I couldn’t escape with the babies.”
3) “He stopped letting me sleep at nights. He would stay up late playing video games and would come into the bedroom periodically doing something idiotic like yelling at me just to wake me up….or he would shove me out of bed and I would end up down on the couch.”
(Note: At the risk of being a little controversial here, if your boyfriend/husband plays violent video games ALL day and ALL night….to the degree that it impairs his ability to get a job or socialize with others…this is a HUGE red flag. Luc did this – I should have left when I realized this was a problem.)
4) “After a year of abuse…I started planning. I met with a lawyer and I started telling my friends about the abuse (I had previously kept it a secret). One night, when I knew he would be away – I left. I had 13 friends and family show up with a moving van. An aunt took the children and the rest of us packed anything we could for as long as my nerves would hold me at that house. Then – I left.”
5) “After he pushed me into a wall, punched me in the stomach (post pregnancy while holding my 3 month old son), and tried to kick in my front door, I gave up and tried to get him to stay away from me and my son. I finally realized that this was not the kind of man my son needed in his life. He fought me for custody. At first it was supervised, but now its unsupervised. I refused – now we are going back to court because I violated the court order.”
6) “My ex husband poured scalding water on my face because he was upset with his finances and because I wouldn’t allow him to leave the country with our son.”
7) “For nine hours, he held me hostage in his apartment, violently assaulted me, suffocated me with a body pillow…he didn’t allow me to use the bathroom. When I finally told him that I would pee on his floor, he allowed me to go to the bathroom. While I was using the bathroom, he took pictures of me. He then told me he would use these pictures to embarrass me. He did – he sent them to my father’s work e-mail address.”
8) “I’ve seen the scariest man I have ever met walk into a court room with his head bowed, hands clasped, voice low and one tear on his cheek. This has only made him more frightening. I know…how it feels to lose a child. To lose a child due to another’s complete lack of empathy and, in fact, humanity.”
9) “…now he has started to emotionally abuse our son. Every time my five year old son has to go to a court ordered visit, he says ‘please Mommy I will listen, now can I stay at your house? Please, I don’t want to go to any sleeps at Dad’s.”
10) “When I finally got the courage to leave him, he held me at gun point. He told me that I would leave one of two ways – by jumping out of the window or in a body bag after he shot me.”
These stories are horrifying, but sadly they are not as uncommon as we would all like to believe. I have heard the statistic that only four percent of the male population is considered a psychopath. I wonder, however, how many more have gone undiagnosed and how many people are “on the spectrum” and, while not killers, are still abusive and dangerous.
The women who have shared their stories with me are all pretty, smart, and educated. They are someone’s daughter, sister, cousin, friend…
Abuse can happen to anyone. Stupidity is not at all a unifying characteristic for women who have been in abusive relationships.
I couldn’t share my own abuse with you. I still can’t. Suffice to say I could have written nearly all of those descriptions above. I was so extremely proud of myself for getting out of an abusive relationship with my two precious children at the ripe old age of 19 … reading the snips above has me asking myself why I continued to get caught up in abusive relationships – no longer physically abusive but a series of emotionally and mentally abusive “relationships”. ‘Cause let’s face it – they’re not “relationships” in the real sense of the word, are they. At least not what most of us thought we were getting into …. Keeping you lifted in prayer, CQ.
I don’t necessarily believe that all men who abuse are psychopaths, and I know I say this at the risk of sounding ignorant, or like I have never been there. I have, plenty. Some men grew up with a strong mother, one who maybe pulled the reigns too tight to be in control, as a man grows up, they vow to never let a woman treat them that way again. Some men grow up with an abusive father, they believe it’s how life is supposed to be. Then there are the stone cold psychopaths of the world. There is no excuse for any woman to EVER have to endure this kind of behavior, but fear, and what we feel is love, keeps us hanging on. I have had a gun shoved in my face, in front of my daughter, her father also attempted to drown me in a tub, been smacked because according to this man, “every bitch needs to be smacked to be kept in line”, made to feel less than human, called fat and worthless, but forced to be “intimate” because that “that’s my job”, smacked around while pregnant with my son, cheated on, brought home stds from those nasty encounters with the “good ones who do as they’re told”.. I thank God everyday for meeting the man of my dreams, he loves my kids and protects us from harm, he would never hurt us. I hope that any woman struggling with domestic violence and abuse that reads this, finds the strength to LEAVE, RUN as far away and as fast as you can.. You deserve more, you are beautiful, don’t allow anyone to beat you down!
Sarah, don’t worry you don’t sound ignorant. I agree, I don’t think all abusers are psychopaths….BUT, all psychopaths are abusers. I hope that makes sense.
My prayers go out to everyone in an abusive relationship, not only did I have an abusive relationship of my own many years ago, but also when my friend left her TFT I had to put up with him. As stupid as it sounds, when I was in my own relationship, it was just me, but with my friends TFT I had my girls to worry about. Her TFT didn’t touch me physically, but I got the glint in the eye, he stalked me and my girls, he even told people I was sleeping with him. I guess because I was older and he wasn’t MY TFT I refused to show my fear. I remember the first time I saw ‘the glint’ as we call it when he was stood in my garden, crocodile tears then within nano seconds he was telling me he beat his first wife with a hose pipe because she cheated on him. (She hadn’t) luckily I was in a position that I was able to move, so I did, I also changed the girls school, but the real reason he leaves me alone is, because I’m terminally ill my Hubster gave up work to care for me. He won’t try to abuse men, just women. I remember one of the many times, when he was outside my house, when my BFF and her boys were living with me (when she ran she and the boys came to us, as we thought he didn’t know where I lived …big mistake) anyway she was on the phone to the police, getting no where fast so I had to get on the phone, the police wanted to list it as ‘just domestic ‘ I flipped saying hell no he wasn’t my husband and neither was he the father of my children, and it was my house. That’s when the police took it seriously. If I hadn’t gone through this with her, I never would have believed how bad our justice system is. 16 (and more) alias’s, and a police record the size of a book, as well as abusing both boys, yet he get unsupervised visitation every other weekend, a week at Christmas and Easter and 3 weeks in summer. The only reason he doesn’t abuse the boys now, is because he has a new wife he uses as a punching bag. So yes my prayers are with anyone who has/is going through this and I pray that you all have the strength to fight your battles.
Thank You for the clarification on why you write. I feel that is very important in what you are doing. After reading this post I am left trembling and realize the abuse I was subjected to was far worse than I ever allowed myself to comprehend. PLEASE keep writing. Don’t ever stop.
“perfect target for Luc. I was a woman who was about to turn 30 with no relationship prospects and who had never had an entirely healthy relationship experience. Despite my confidence (or maybe because of it), I didn’t have men standing in line to date me. While this fact didn’t crack my external facade of confidence, the reality underneath was that I was not confident in relationships. I was hopeful that I would meet someone who would treat me right and want to start a family, but I knew that this had not come easy.”
CappocinoQueen — a woman who has a crackerjack investigator, and trying to protect her own (father was dragged out of prison to re-unite with a child who never knew him, beginning of hell, etc.), told me about your case. I’m not sure how you came across FamilyCourtInAmerica (which is where I found link to your blog), or what your purpose is now, after undergoing this horrible situation. The quote above spoke to me, I don’t know how certain people can “smell” a smart educated woman who would like a family, but they do. I also cannot honestly comment about marrying (sounds like you didn’t) versus marrying, because I know know that the marriage contract itself is a problem vis a vis the USA, which by this document (plus any birth certificates) considers biological parents merely the trustees, but both the parents and their offspring, company property. AND, they are using this property — through the court systems — to bring a high “ROI” (dividends), while all but torturing and as you can see, sometimes allowing people to be killed, even kids — in the process.
For the record, I survived also, and both my children are now grown, but this story is STILL not out of the system properly (see “tribal warfare” over who gets to raise my children, after I was eliminated overnight, etc.).
If you would like to participate in this NOT happening to others, if possible, then I recommend understanding (rather quickly) that the court system which allowed unsupervised visitation and required shared parenting is AS sociopathic, psychopathic, etc. as the man you married. My abuse etc. happened in the 1990s, and the system was underling a sea change since then which makes it almost impossible for women /mothers to leave an abusive situation, for all they wish to talk about it. The welfare system (any child support) was re-tooled for privatizing (meaning “fees for friends”) and child support AND chlid protection agenices were also restructured to favor fathers, per se. “Per se” means, because they are fathers, have a Y chromosome, in other words.
I have about three blogs going (the one I linked to is smaller, contact me if you want the others. After I learned about the financial incentives to prolong custody battle, and how fathers were getting free (gov’tpaid) representation, plus compromise of child support arrears, or payments — etc., I started blogging this in 2009. on http://familycourtmatters.wordpress.com there is (scroll down to right) a series of “Vital LInks/Info” including one on a Huffington Post Blog (Anne Stevenson) which summarizes things pretty quickly, in one article — our own government is paying others to target single mothers (particularly of color) and essentially torture them through the system. Men, too, when it comes to extorting honest ones, and promoting dishonest ones. I was completely traumatized out of my profession over this and twice (not just once) driven back onto welfare as a result of years of this situation, and will do anything I can to help people stay out of the custody courts, or if possible to expose the financial fraud well enough, recommend they be shut down as dangerous for living human beings.
I’m very upset that children born even as recently as your late son, are still dying or being hurt in this same system. Sad to say, sites like “FamilyCourtInAmerica” (a wordpress blog) are posting indiscriminate links (including many profiting from the federal grants system specifically to target mothers for child-removal) and playing up the Lawless In America “victim status” angle.
I have no idea how one goes on after a loss like yours, I hope you are getting some help for it (writing will no doubt help). I did not get over an overnight and illegal removal of my children YEARS after I left the batterer.
Here is just ONE (under-reported) example of how fatherhood movements have become entrenched in government. This one is from Hawaii — and just FYI, the Domestic Violence group in Hawaii did not report on this, as they should have (Fatherhood Commissions installed at the legislative level. Ohio has one, I DNK what other ones also.
This is 2010 testimony from a Hawaii Family Forum // Catholic group recommending a bill which wishes to extend the rule of fatherhood appointees from two years to four years. Meanwhile, the group protesting the mistreatment of mothers (i.e., the DV sorts) are not even pointing this out! I tried to raise it a few times, but was ignored. One has to wonder why this information is not considered relevant for mothers seeking to retain custody of their kids and protect them!
If you’d like to contact me, comment on a blogpost. I am curious about which state/county this happened in and may be able to shed some light on it, for others you may run into in similar situation, whose kids are still alive. There is a pattern to the madness, but not if we stay in expressive, emotive, distress mode — which is not good for analyzing the situation with a view to correcting it. One thing seems clear enough — I don’t see any judges disturbed enough when children die as a result of their bad decision, or adults either. Crocodile tears, maybe.
Also, you might want at some point to check the local agencies are not still using your baby’s social security number in some way to charge for program services of some sort; a lot gets lost in that system.
Take care. By the way, your blog looks great visually; wish mine were this clear and easy to read!
Let’s be honest, thanks for your post. The custody case for my son happened in Maryland, but my son died in Virginia. I will certainly take a look at your blog. Thanks for sharing a bit of your story.
I found this article and podcast on the leading psychopathy awareness website, run by some of the leading experts on psychopathy. This will happen. Just be prepared.
I am 66 and all of my children are grown, married and some even have grand children. I see the hell going on around me and fear for three (of five) of my great grand children. I too still live in an emotionally abusive relationship which I am trying to escape. I sure cannot be supportive and help anyone where I am now. Just wanted you all to know that it is never to late to finally come to ones sense.. so far I have been lucky to have not lost anyone… only my own sanity which my own life this past week… because I had ben been beat down emotionally to the point I had given up on life.. I won’t bore with details.. just know I have something yet to do in life if it is only to support others… Thak You Madmacks.. because I didn’t see myself fully as being helpless and hopelessly abused until I read the article.. It doesn’t have to be ALL of the listed abuse. JUST ONE of these abusive behaviors can destroy a person.
I know exactly how you feel. Being beat down, ignored, bullied and emotionally invalidated will test anyone’s will. Its up to people like you, me and Hera to continue to speak out about the abuse so that it will be recognized as abuse. The only way there can be change is if the victims/survivors speak out. We are all being abused and everyone refuses to call it abuse because of the ‘stigma’ that comes with an appropriate diagnosis. The pain we have experienced is far greater than any shame, humiliation or embarrassment that the psychopath would feel.
There is no shame in speaking out about emotional abuse. The patterns of behavior of abuse and control either exist or they do not. Abusers want secrecy in order to continue the abuse. The best thing we can do is to continue to expose these people and their patterns of behavior.