The woman my son can be proud of

Tonight I sat and stared at the Christmas tree my parents put up this year.  My eyes quickly focused in on a small ornament I had bought a little over a year ago today.  I remember like it were yesterday when I had brought Prince into this small mom and pop Christmas store in search of his first Christmas ornament for his very first Christmas (which unknown to me at the time also happened to be his last).  The ornament was of a baby in a pea pod shaped frog outfit.  The baby was wearing a crown and a cape and it had a simple inscription:  “Little Prince”

The baby seemed to stare out at me from amongst the other ornaments on the tree.  As I stared back at it, I couldn’t help but to cry.  Despite how strong people have said I am throughout this ordeal, I didn’t feel strong in that moment.  The helpless emotions I have been feeling throughout this holiday season came rushing out as I stared at a small token that represented my little Prince.  I stared at the tree and remembered how instead of my son sleeping peacefully in his crib, his body lay cold in the ground.

This coming week will mark eleven weeks since my son died.  This time of year is a time when people tend to reflect on the year and think about how they will “change” or “reform” or “resolve” for the new year.  I have spent a considerable amount of  time thinking about my son and how much time I spent trying to protect him.  I have put a lot of thought into how I will transfer that energy into getting Justice for my son and holding the “periphery criminals” (those who stood, and continue to stand, one the outside periphery of Luc and both condone and enable his criminal behavior) accountable as well.

Beyond this, however, I am also focused on how I can be the type of person my son will be proud of.  This might sound strange to those who don’t believe in an afterlife, but bear with me on this one.  Every day I wake up, I balance my firey burning rage against the system that failed my son and the demon Luc himself.  There are moments, however, when I imagine my little boy watching me from heaven.  I don’t want him to see me angry all the time and full of hate.  I want him to see me as I would have wanted him to see me had he lived.


So in the new year, I am not making a New Years resolution that will fade in a few months as life gets busy.  I am starting the new year deep in thought about how I can be the woman my son will always be proud of.  This is not something that can be accomplished overnight because I have some work to do.  I need to be able to wake up without wanting to punch a hole in the wall in anger about what has happened – I need to be able to focus my anger into justice achieving activities – I need to be able to move forward with grace in the face of the most horrendously bad lifetime movie-esque story.




  1. Tessa on January 3, 2013 at 9:44 pm

    Your son will be looking down on you with pride and love. In his entire life you were the one who fought for him, you were the one who loves him unconditionally, and you were the one that would have made his passing easier, by being there for him. He would be proud his Mama loves him enough to get answers and Justice for him. You were the one who NEVER failed him. The justice system failed him, his sperm doner failed him, as did all the other people who enabled the sperm doner. So keep your rage, Luc deserves to burn in eternal damnation for what he’s done. One day, when the time is right, you will be reunited with Prince, and he’ll be able to say this all to you himself. So I agree, you ARE strong and you WILL get justice for prince I believe in you x

  2. NTrickSteinbach on January 4, 2013 at 12:57 am

    What a (nother) beautiful post. It is so very difficult to balance the two, to keep the fire going but allow the peace and joy to reenter. You can do this.
    Have you considered reaching out to the women who founded MADD? She also turned tradegy into a movement. Maybe you could somehow learn from each other? Just an idea.
    We still pray for you every day over here in Germany.

  3. Marica on January 4, 2013 at 5:54 am

    My Dear Cappuccino, Although you may not see your strength the world does and most importantly Prince does. Yes, I have no doubt Prince has moved on to yet another level of life… This belief comes from personal experience which I will share with you if you want. Prince will understand your anger, your hate, your rage.. and he will be leased that you are learning to set these aside and focus on how to change the world we live in so that the one who took his life cannot take another. There is no hate where Prince is, but love and joy. He IS with others and surrounded with protective force… nothing bad can touch or affect him. I hope yo can find peace in knowing his joy, even though for now it is without you. You have work to do here before you will join him, but I assure you… when the time comes, Prince will meet you along with many others and you will reunite.

  4. Peg H on January 4, 2013 at 7:23 am

    Hera, you may not feel like it, but you are an inspiration to so many of us “out here” in Cyberia. God bless you and keep you infused with strength and determination. {{{Hugs}}}

  5. Christine on January 4, 2013 at 9:37 am

    I agree, you may not feel like you are, but you are an inspiration. And yes, you need to do those things you mentioned, and you will – with time. I’m reading John Ramsey’s book right now (the father of JonBenet). It’s called The Other Side of Suffering. I’m so glad I decided to order this book. He’s been through more hell on earth than I could ever imagine, but through his faith in God he has learned to not only cope, but to hope; hope in the promises of Christ.