During one of the Custody Battles in the Custody War with Luc (my spath ex), the judge said, “There is a lot of smoke in this case and a lot of clouds…and its clouding my vision horribly.” The judge went on to note that Luc hadn’t presented any evidence indicating who he was and all the judge could see was the smoke and clouds floating around him.
I have been thinking a lot about this idea of smoke an clouds lately. I have had a few “epiphanies” in the past year. This particular one came to me while driving to work. I was thinking of what the judge said and I realized that with psychopaths, there will always be smoke and clouds. Psychopaths are relentless in their attempts to maintain the smoke and the clouds because they don’t want their targets to see the reality and run screaming. The same thing happens in court because if the judge (and or a jury) were to see the real person, there would be no way the psychopath would have access to a child. In some cases, there would be no way the court would allow the psychopath to continue living freely to continue the reign of terror.
The “Blocking Access” Trick (Early Smoke and Clouds)
For those of you who have followed my story, you might remember that after I left Luc, he waited three months (and for my actual birthday) to file his response to my custody motion. For the three months in between the time I took baby boy and left and when he filed his response, he knew where I lived and how to get into contact with me. He had no problem asking his attorney to terrorize me in an attempt to get me to pay him, but he made no request to see baby boy. Then, almost suddenly, he fell into “character” and acted as if he had been crying in his house since baby boy had left. During the initial court hearings, he would cry about how I had blocked access from him and how I was such a terrible person for keeping his son from him.
This was one of the earliest examples of “smoke and clouds” in the Custody War. Clearly, if one could get beyond the smoke of Luc dancing around crying like a toddler who had just lost his toy (the toy being baby boy), they would see that if Luc actually had cared to see baby boy – he would have bothered asking earlier. This output of smoke, however, the court fell for hook line and sinker as it was easy to believe I was an evil “access blocker” since there are so many scorned women who easily fit into this visual.
Smoke and Clouds To Hide Abuse/Neglect:
This past weekend, Luc had a seven hour visit with baby boy. Despite the fact that Luc continues to threaten (through third parties) that he is going to take me back to court for more acces, he can’t seem to handle the time he has now. Baby boy always seems to return miserable after a visit. He is always hungry and always has a digustingly full diaper. This visit, however, was one of the worst. As I picked baby boy up from the supervisor’s car, urine dripped all over me. Baby boy’s diaper hadn’t been changed all day and it was so full it had spilled out through the clothes.
As I tended to baby boy and tried to get him as dry as I could (while I stood in front of the police station where he was dropped off), the supervisor was trying to tell me how Luc mentioned that baby boy had a fever and he had given him some children’s advil. (Note: Baby boy did not have a fever and was not sick) As the supervisor went on about this so called fever, I slowly realized that Luc had used the “fever” as his smoke and clouds. He wanted to have a story about something else so that the supervisor would ignore the fact that he had just returned baby boy soaking wet in urine.
My mother, who helps me with my son, is getting sick of Luc’s lies. Initially, she was determined to prove that Luc had been lying about the fever (the thermometer provided in the emergency bag logs the last temperature taken). I realized, however, that the fever issue didn’t matter – It was just more smoke and clouds. What mattered was the fact that Luc fought tooth and nail for more extended hours wth baby boy during which he refused to actually take care of baby boy. Baby boy was wet and starving – this was what needed to take focus beneath the smoke and clouds.
How to Clear the Smoke and Clouds:
I have learned that Psychopaths create smoke and clouds to make their victims angry (especially in a custody war) or diguise the truth and confuse them. Losing focus in a Custody War can be very dangerous. Sometimes, over the past year, the smoke and clouds has made me feel like I am going crazy. I am slowly learning that in order to win this war, I need to focus on what is important despite the smoke Luc throws at me. Its much easier to see through the smoke and clouds if you recognize that they will always be there.
Now that I know that smoke and clouds will always surround Luc, because of his constant firey chaos storm, I try to go over the following steps in my head before I react or respond to anything having to do with Luc:
3) Identify the Smoke and Clouds
4) Figure out the “Bottom Line”/Real issue
5) Decide if I care (because sometimes I don’t once I realize the bottom line)
The next time I go to court with Luc, I will be repeating the above steps over and over in my head. The way I imagine (and pray) it will go next time is that Luc will be spinning around like an out of control top and I will present my documents and organized notes.