The Phases of My Grief
A week ago today, I was sitting in the hospital having just learned that my baby boy was about to pass away. Seeing him hooked to all those tubes and watching his body slowly die was by far the most traumatic thing I have ever seen in my entire life. We buried him a few days ago and ever since I have been trying to cope with the idea of living without my little Prince. I keep looking for him everywhere and everything around me reminds me of him. For those who don’t know what this sort of trauma is like, here are the phases I have gone through in the past week.
1) Shock: When the doctor told me that my son would not survive, it felt as if time stopped. My brain was literally incapable of processing the information I was hearing. I had been in hospitals with Prince before, but every time we came to the hospital I left with Prince in my arms expected to make a full recovery. This time, I knew that I would leave this hospital without my son and this was a reality that I could not process.
2) Pain: As the doctor placed Prince’s lifeless body in my arms, I was still sure that if I just spoke to him he would wake up and the doctor would claim it had been a miracle. This, however, didn’t happen. As I spoke to him and sung into his ear, he still remained lifless and his eyes staired at me completely blank. Realizing Prince was truely gone, sent a sharp pain through my entire body. I sat there and cried as if I had no control of my body.
3) Despair: While I held Prince in my arms, I cried, “please don’t leave me Prince- please don’t leave Mama. I love you so much.” The hospital chaplain prayed as I begged God to bring my son back to me. I knew, however, Prince had gone before he had arrived at the hospital.
4) Guilt: As the reality set in, I immediately started to second guess every decision I had made in the days leading up to that moment. Mainly, my decision not to cancel the visitation with Prince’s father. While I knew I had a court order to follow, I was still painfully aware of the fact that if I had gone against the court order my son would still be alive. I couldn’t stop thinking about the look Prince gave me as I put him in the carseat and sent him away to his father.
5) Anger: This emotion was late to arrive and comes and goes in waves. I have fought for 15 months to save my son. Everyone from the courts to my own attorneys treated me like I was crazy for being so afraid of Luc killing Prince. I was so angry for all the terrible things people said to me and how the courts didn’t allow me to follow my maternal instincts.
In the past week, I have filtered through all of these emotions on a near constant cycle. It’s painful and its exhausting. I am feeling these things and all the while searching for my son and listening for his voice. It is impossible to turn off your motherly instincts when your child passes away. My mind races around in circles as I no longer have to focus on a toddler and keeping that toddler save.
I told people I would have been happy if I lived the rest of my life with just me and Prince forever. We didn’t get that chance. Because of who my son’s father is (or what he is), the courts denied him his basic civil right to life. I’m in shock, pain, despair…I feel guilt…and I am angry.
i cannot even imagine the grief you are feeling nor the constant second guessing and anger you feel now. i am truly sorry for the circumstances that followed with what you felt was the “right” thing to do.. i know this may not be help in your present circumstance of grief and the path you will have ahead of you but perhaps he was an angel on earth for that short period of time to love you like no other and guide you for the period of time he was here. my thoughts and heart are with you now … if you ever need to vent or scream at the world please do not hesitate to contact me .,,, kilbournelaura3@gmail.com….. a friend who shares with you the unfortunate evil you experienced by no choice of your own… xxo laura
You have every right to have all these feelings. You accomplished being that great mom and did everything right in your power to keep precious handsome Prince safe. Once again, the system has failed. Many Blessings and Prayers to you and the family.
I am so very sorry for your loss and the unimaginable circumstances surrounding his passing. I pray that you will continue to find the courage and strength to get through each new day. And thank you for so selflessly sharing your story.
On September 10th (just a few short weeks ago) Donna Anderson advised me via E-mail ”Many readers have experience dealing with sociopaths and custody cases – they may have suggestions for you. You may be able to relate to the posts by Cappuccino Queen – she’s dealing with many of the same issues”. I began to cry while reading your posts and could relate to the scenarios in dealing with a spath and the “system”, it seemed almost surreal. It was on this day that I realized I was not alone in the fight for justice while up against a spath and the corrupted system.
I cannot begin to fathom the reality of losing a child in death but live in the reality of having lost custody of 3 children to a narcissistic psychopath due to reprehensible actions of the so-called “justice system” and fear for their safety every second of the day. As you well know, confronting the system and their court appointed cronies is exhausting and unnerving. The Judge, your Attorney’s and Doctors have all failed both you and your son, they also led you to buy into the premise that you were crazy which is exactly what the spath had intended as his cloud of smoke was emitted throughout his arena of BS.
Your writings are only a snap shot of what you are truly dealing with as it is literally impossible to express in words the consequences of what it’s like having to deal with a spath especially when children are involved one only knows if they have personally dealt with this type of deranged individual. It’s like trying to swim while wearing a lead weight on your shoulders slowly sinking into the depths of despair, exhausted, breathless and trying to remain hopeful you will not drown all the while attempting to defeat an invisible monster (AKA spath) by defending your actions when you were not the guilty party.
I feel it important to share with you just how strong you really are and even more important how strong you remained for the sake of your son. You may not have recognized this because of the trauma you’ve endured not only having encountered the spath but also the broken system. You yourself once said:
9/24: “Nobody will ever be able to take away the bond me and my son have with each other. I cannot help that my son’s father is disordered – that he is a psychopath. I can, however, be the strong supportive rock (of reason, stability and love for her child) that my son needs. I will not allow Luc to take that from me with his attempts to drive me insane. I can identify many people who have many characteristics on the psychopathy spectrum I would love to be able to shelter baby boy from these people and all of their negative influences, but I realize that is not our reality. The best I can do is to not allow the terror to negatively impact my relationship with my son.”
9/19: “I battle my nerves and practice my “grey rock” of emotions when faced with Luc’s terror and menacing behavior. There are many things out of my control in this situation, but I can control one thing – I can be the best mother I know how to be.”
9/17: “For as long as I am alive, I can show my son the love he deserves – and I plan on making that my mission.”
9/11: “In the sea of chaos this past weekend, I had to fight long and hard not to go down the rabbit hole of crazy. Despite my lawyer’s negative comments, I will NEVER stop fighting for my baby boy. Period.”
9/8: “I can’t afford to be patient and “wait for justice” so I choose to continue to fight (to protect your son).
Please do not accept responsibility for the actions of others, your sons fate was by no way, shape or form your fault. 9/17: “The courts failed my son when they allowed his emotionally challenged psychopath father to remain in his life. Our justice system is broken; however, in order to fix it we must all end the silence. In the Drew Peterson case, it was the family who never gave up – this is what ended up convicting this man.”……..Words of wisdom from the best mother baby boy could have ever known. Keep posting, there is healing power in communicating with others.
Hi, I just read your sharing about your son, your words describing when you hold your son in your arms at the hospital burned a hole in my soul, Im so sorry for your loss and feelt that I had to write some words to you.
I myself have a son and reading about your love for your son, your pain and your feelings of beeing lost when that protecting, carrying, lifegiving flaming glow only a child can awaken in us, suddenly stops shining the way it use to do, touched my own glow. Your words breath strenght and unconditional honesty, and that makes this world a little less in the hands of those, who walks and live among us without the basic human respect and love for the most precious we have in our lives: the trust and love of our children.