My son has been gone for exactly one month this week. Most American families will spend this week celebrating all of the things for which they are thankful. They will eat until they pass out and will spend time with the ones they love. I will spend the holiday trying to pretend it isn’t a holiday. This year, I wish the holiday season would just pass.
Normally, I love the holidays. Last year, I remember being excited about spending the holiday season with the love of my life – my baby boy Prince. At this time last year, I was actively trying to stop myself from buying too many things for Prince. Everyone told me he wouldn’t remember his first Christmas anyway. At this moment, I have the painful reminder that Prince’s first Christmas was also his ONLY Christmas as he did not survive to enjoy his second.
I am getting a bit tired of people warning me about how terrible the holidays will feel without my son. While most of these people likely mean well, every single one of them has never actually had to spend a holiday thinking about their dead child. So while I know people feel as if they have to say something, I am tired of people deciding that the “something” is going to be grief advice or “warnings” of terrible feelings to come associated with the holidays.
So this year I just want this season to pass me by. If I could sleep through both Thanksgiving and Christmas so that I could stop people from forcing company on me or asking me if I am ok – that is what I would choose. My friends and family seem so consumed with worry about a stupid holiday when I am just trying to get through each day.
I had to leave town because I am afraid. I have nightmares about how Prince died. I have panic attacks that get triggered by someone merely knocking on my door.
Each day, I wonder if I am going to ever wake up from this nightmare in which I am living. Nearly three years ago, the devil walked into my life and turned it upside down. I wait – I pray – and I hope…that one day I will wake up.
This year, however, I am thankful for a few things. I am thankful that God chose me to be Prince’s Mama – that I got to spend 15 months with my guardian angel and the love of my life – for all the hugs and kisses I gave him and all the ones he gave me in return – that Prince was able to touch so many other people in his 15 months – and that I have enough faith to know that I will see him again someday.
Mama loves you baby boy. I wish I had gotten to keep you here with me. I would have given anything to have you even for just one more Christmas.