Being Thankful In The Midst Of Darkness

My son has been gone for exactly one month this week.  Most American families will spend this week celebrating all of the things for which they are thankful.   They will eat until they pass out and will spend time with the ones they love.  I will spend the holiday trying to pretend it isn’t a holiday.  This year, I wish the holiday season would just pass.
Normally, I love the holidays.  Last year, I remember being excited about spending the holiday season with the love of my life – my baby boy Prince.  At this time last year, I was actively trying to stop myself from buying too many things for Prince.  Everyone told me he wouldn’t remember his first Christmas anyway.  At this moment, I have the painful reminder that Prince’s first Christmas was also his ONLY Christmas as he did not survive to enjoy his second.
I am getting a bit tired of people warning me about how terrible the holidays will feel without my son.  While most of these people likely mean well, every single one of them has never actually had to spend a holiday thinking about their dead child.  So while I know people feel as if they have to say something, I am tired of people deciding that the “something” is going to be grief advice or “warnings” of terrible feelings to come associated with the holidays.
So this year I just want this season to pass me by.  If I could sleep through both Thanksgiving and Christmas so that I could stop people from forcing company on me or asking me if I am ok – that is what I would choose.  My friends and family seem so consumed with worry about a stupid holiday when I am just trying to get through each day.
I had to leave town because I am afraid.  I have nightmares about how Prince died.  I have panic attacks that get triggered by someone merely knocking on my door.
Each day, I wonder if I am going to ever wake up from this nightmare in which I am living.  Nearly three years ago, the devil walked into my life and turned it upside down.  I wait – I pray – and I hope…that one day I will wake up.
This year, however, I am thankful for a few things.  I am thankful that God chose me to be Prince’s Mama – that I got to spend 15 months with my guardian angel and the love of my life – for all the hugs and kisses I gave him and all the ones he gave me in return – that Prince was able to touch so many other people in his 15 months – and that I have enough faith to know that I will see him again someday.
 Mama loves you baby boy.  I wish I had gotten to keep you here with me.  I would have given anything to have you even for just one more Christmas.


  1. Guy On Duty on November 21, 2012 at 4:16 pm

    No one truly knows or understands the pain & sorrow unless it’s happened to them. (wouldn’t wish that on anyone) You have every right to greive & express your pain however you feel necessary. Always know that we are greiving with you. Our thoughts & prayers are wtih you & your family. People’s lives have been torn & devastated from several tragedies inflicted by the same person who is still, to this day walking a free man because of the racist,incompetent, & blatant disregard for human life. Until voices are heard & people take a stand against the consistantly growing parasites that our corrupted public officials & failed judicial system consists of, we must continue to let our voices be heard by every & anyone who can & will make a difference. In honor of those who we love & cherish so deeply more than words or actions can ever express. We will go to the end of this earth & our last breath to expose those responsible.”JUSTICE SHALL PREVAIL” May the love,peace,comfort,guidance & strength of almighty God always be with you. Stay strong,mindful,& always blessed,xo!

  2. Christine on November 21, 2012 at 11:53 pm

    Thank God for that faith that you have that you will see Prince again. I just don’t know how people without faith cope with life’s many tragedies. God bless you, and may your faith always sustain you.

  3. Courtnee Papastathis on November 24, 2012 at 10:16 pm

    Thank you for writing this blog. I’m heartened by your loss and how you are choosing to handle the grief it is causing you. I’m writing to let you know that I hope you will consider reading a book that has been helping me understand the impact that traumatic events cause to our well being, as well as the unbelivablely stunted abilities of most people in our society to handle the wash of emotions and impulses that arise from trauma effectively. It’s really made a difference in my life even years after losing my father, my mother, and experiencing a host of other traumatic endings in my life which have continued to effect my ability to connect with others. I wish I had had access to the information earlier, which is why, now, if I see someone who appears would benefit from it, I take the time to let them know. The book is “The grief recovery handbook” by John W. James and Russell Friedman.

    With my best wishes, take care of you.

  4. We know Luc on December 3, 2012 at 11:17 am

    Did you ever wonder where Luc got the money for that nice house in the suburbs? He got it from conning people out of their life savings.

    • cappuccinoqueen on December 3, 2012 at 8:02 pm

      Yes, I did learn that – unfortunately it was through the PI I hired after I left. He told me he afforded it from his software business and his budding music career. Yes, I know…sounds stupid now that I know the truth. 🙁 I am sorry for all of the others whom he has made victims.