Prince was a ray of light and hope that shined through the dark cloud that has been hanging over my life since I met Luc. He was also very special to my entire family. This became very clear in how my six year old nephew has dealt with Prince’s death. My nephew, like Prince, has always been well beyond his years – like an older man trapped in a child’s body. During the wake, my nephew insisted on seeing Prince in the casket. While initially we all believed this would be a bad idea, he insisted and continued to ask to see him until he was allowed.
When my nephew approached the casket, he silently looked at Prince and placed a picture he had drawn him in the casket. After a few moments, he walked away. For the next few days, every time he saw me he would just hug me and then run away. My brother and his family left to go back home the day Prince was buried. I hadn’t heard much about how my nephew was handling it until this morning.
My mother told me that while she was visiting him, she found my nephew sitting in the corner looking at a birthday card. My mom asked him if he was going to attend the birthday party. My nephew’s face dropped as he showed my mother the date of the party – it was October 21 – the day Prince died. After an awkward silence, he asked her, “Is Prince going to be ok? Is he ok where he is?”
I heard this story as I sat in a hotel lobby (in the state I had to flee to until Luc is arrested and I can safely return home). My heart broke all over again. It’s hurts to think about how even my little nephews are suffering the loss of Prince. The most painful thought, however, is knowing that Prince’s body and his life are NOT ok. It kills me whenever I think about how I can’t even make it ok. There is nothing I can do to protect him or make him feel better. I will never hug him again, or kiss him, or nurse him to sleep. I will never be able to whisper in his ear and tell him, “it’s ok baby – Mama is here – Mama loves you.”
I know Prince is in heaven and Luc can never hurt him again, but that doesn’t make the pain any easier. I know Prince was an angel and God must have a plan for us, but that doesn’t stop me from being angry at myself for not being able to protect him. I am his Mama…that was my job – to protect him always.
Sometimes I feel like I am living in a nightmare and that one day I am going to wake up. Prince will be tapping me on my face as he used to do when he was trying to get me out of bed. I know, however, that this will never happen. I am not asleep and my baby is actually gone forever.
This is a horrible story for everyone reading this, but to me – this is my life.