I met up with a good friend of mine last night. It was another moment when I had forgotten that not everyone knows Prince passed away. As I began talking to him as if he knew, I slowly watched shock and horror come over his face. It’s times like these when I am able to visably see how much this experience has changed me. It had been a long time since I had seen this friend – since before “chaos” (otherwise known as Luc) entered my life.
One of the first questions he asked me after he found out was, “how are you up and walking around? You are such a strong woman!” I told him there are two paths (or options) I can see a person taking after they have lost a child:
1) Lay in bed and die along with the child. (Note: I did think for a moment that jumping in the grave with Prince would be a good option).
2) Living for the child as you are all they have left in life.
I have chosen the second path. I love him too much to have chosen the first. He needs me to fight for him and for me to live for him now.
So now what? Choosing to live is the first step. Figuring out what to do with your life seems to be the harder part. Especially given the fact that I feel as if I need to “relearn” how to live. It’s like waking up one day and having to teach yourself how to walk again. The only problem is that you are an adult and people expect you to already know how to walk.
Last night at dinner, I had one of the most amazing alcoholic beverages I have had in my life. (Note: I am not an alcoholic and certainly don’t plan on becoming one even after this tragedy) It was a Spicy Cucumber Margarita. As I stared at this drink, I thought about how funny and ironic it was that I felt like I was staring at what could be a metaphor for how I feel right now. It was a margarita full of all sorts of cucumbers that didn’t appear to fit together. Then, there was an awkward and out of place looking pepper thrown on top.
Even though I always used to like to see myself as tough – I wasn’t. I was sweet and scared. I was the girl who trusted those who didn’t deserve my trust and who called the police after running the other direction. I was afraid to speak up when it mattered and I was always worried about hurting other people’s feelings.
Now, however, I am like a Spicy Cucumber Margarita. I am different. I am unapologetic. I don’t care if I don’t look traditional. You either understand and appreciate me – or just don’t. I am sweet with a little sour. The thing people will probably notice right now is the pepper. The awkward and out of place looking pepper thrown on top.