Dirty Chai

My new favorite drink at Starbucks is a Grande Soy Dirty Chai Latte. (I have my caffeine addicted sister to thank for getting me addicted to this particular drink)  A Dirty Chai Tea is just like a regular Chai, but it has a shot of expresso.

(Note:  Today I am having a “coffee bean” kind of day.  The water is still boiling in my life, but my attempts to change my life for the better are making me a little less “egg” and a little more “coffee bean”.)

Anyone who is as addicted to Starbucks as I am knows that you can order the same drink everyday and depending on who makes it – it will taste a little bit different.  With a Dirty Chai, there is even more of a risk of your drink tasting different everyday because there are more moving parts to mess up.  The barista might add too much expresso making it taste too bitter or too much Chai making it taste too sweet.  Sometimes, however, all the parts come together just right.

You are probably wondering what in hell my morning coffee choice has to do with life, but here it is:

Lately I have been feeling like I am stuck in a nightmare.  On a regular basis, Luc tries to think of ways to terrorize me and get a rise out of me.  I have found myself thinking on a regular basis about what shoe will drop next.  What is he going to do to try and make my life miserable today (or mess up my Chai)?

Thinking about the Chai, however, makes me realize that I have more control over my happiness than I do over my morning Chai (unless I stop being lazy and just start making it at home myself).  Luc is going to throw as much crap at me as he can find in the world.  His full time job is to hurl crap.  Unlike the morning Chai, I can choose to wake up everyday and make my own cup of happiness despite him.

This has been a terrible week.  We are in the midst of finalizing a custody order.  No matter what it says, I know that Luc will manipulate the order and run completely amuck.  I know he doesn’t care about my son because I know he is not capable of caring about anyone but himself.  This is terrifying, but my son needs me to be his rock.

Though the idea of letting him take off with my son by himself once a week is terrifying, I also know that I need to get to the point where I stop worrying about him and his attacks and start worrying about balancing out my own happiness.  I am going to start making my own damn Chai.